Mad Man

Days after AMC announced Mad Men would soon begin its fifth season, Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich celebrated by channeling his inner Don Draper to begin last Thursday night's debate in South Carolina that aired on CNN.

Draper, the ruthless creative genius behind the Madison Avenue ad agency Sterling Cooper, famously said in the season three episode Love Among the Ruins:

"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."

Gingrich clearly didn't like what moderator John King said...


"Is your second ex-wife telling the truth when she says you wanted an open marriage?"

...so he changed the conversation...


"I am appalled that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that....I am tired of the elite media protecting Barack Obama by attacking Republicans."

(See the exchange here.)

Suddenly, incredibly, Gingrich made himself a victim and fed a rabid Republican crowd one of its favorite hunks of Red meat: the mainstream media.

Never mind that Gingrich used Monica Lewinsky as a human wrecking ball in an attempt to take down the Clinton administration. Never mind that Gingrich was at the time himself involved in an extramarital affair. Never mind that Gingrich personified attack politics in the 1990s and again now on the 2012 campaign trail, most notably fileting fellow Republican Mitt Romney far more than the "elite media" ever could. Never mind any of that because Gingrich learned long ago that politics - like advertising - isn't about the facts.

If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation.

Jon Hamm as Don Draper

The more I've thought about it, Gingrich and Draper are a lot alike. Both are brilliant and reckless with insatiable appetites for women and position. Each has a past he pretends didn't happen but which continues to haunt his future. Both are best with their backs against the wall and thrive when pressure peaks. Each craves the opportunity to stand and deliver with the game on the line.

Newt as Newt - See the similarity?

There are differences, of course. For example, one is a power hungry genius who twists images and words to try to persuade unsuspecting masses to do his bidding; the other is a fictional character played by Jon Hamm.

The irony is that in the GOP race to unseat Obama, Romney looks more like a Hollywood heartthrob and, so far at least, way more presidential. Until now, Romney has run like a man trying to win the White House while Gingrich has appeared desperate simply for the Republican nomination. (Clever, seeing as how you can't accomplish the former until you have the latter.)

While Romney has chipped away at Obama, Gingrich has wailed on Romney, fanning the flames of Right-eous indignation with the trusty bellows of biased media, Romney's elitism and Obama's...everything. In so doing, he hoped he might rekindle the old flame he once shared with the Republican base in the glory days of the House takeover and Contract with America.

Well, that old flame is burning. Gingrich won South Carolina going away and now goes to Florida having done what any good ad man or woman could only hope to accomplish: make the consumers - in this case, GOP voters - believe that what they have isn't good enough.

It's Romney's turn to change the conversation.

A Berry Always Ripe For The Picking

Oh for the days when you didn't have to question whether politicians were corrupt. You knew they were before you ever sent them to office. The point is they were your crooks, and you appreciated how openly they usurped the system.

Here now the unintentional wit and accidental honesty of former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Berry. They're kind of like Lay's potato chips: you can't eat just one.

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

(In response to being busted with crack and a prostitute in a hotel room...)

"B**** set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis, no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself, are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

(Finally, in response to questions about an IRS investigation into his financial affairs...)

"What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude."

Starting Over

With the campaign behind us - not including the recount by Ohio election officials, who have now confirmed Herbert Hoover was indeed the leading vote-getter in 1928 - it's time for our elected officials to get back to the time-honored tradition of ignoring the concerns of their constituencies now that we're no longer paying attention.

I've redubbed this site "The Spin Cycle" to chronicle how regularly and instinctively politicians twist every event into buzz for their party and bile for the opposition.

Let's kick off the festivities with some Donkey bashing, specifically President Bush's appointment of Connnddooolleeeezzzaaa Rice. First of all, chill out with all the extra letters. If she ever decides to celebrate Kwwaaannnnzzzaaa, it could trigger World War 3.

Stop interrupting. The point is, regardless of what you think of this President, he has had without question the most ethnically and genderally (I'll wait while you look that one up and realize it's not really a word...) diverse Cabinet in the history of the United States. It's not even close.

Democrats could argue it doesn't matter if someone in a high position is a minority if he/she isn't qualified. They could argue that...if they suddenly stop espousing Affirmative Action. Oops...

So you can rip this President for a variety of shortcomings, and you'd be right on some of those. What you can't deny, though, is that minorities under his watch have found the Cabinet doors wide open.

Stay tuned. We'll start pulling the Elephants' trunks soon enough.

Did You Know The Word Gullible Is Not In The Dictionary?

"Now we have to deal with the horrifying realities of the Bush re-election."

Whose line is it anyway? Michael Moore's? Sean Penn's? Osama bin Laden's?

No, that quote - uttered after the decisive ballots had been counted Wednesday - came from the mouth of a red-stated, Bible-belting, churchgoing saint. One of the godliest people I've ever known, as a matter of fact. Of course, it was difficult to hear this plaintive declaration because it was drowned out by the bacchanalia of fellow followers of Christ, raucously reveling in a second dose of Bush.

If such deep disagreement exists within the body of Christ, is it any surprise that our nation is politically divided? Funny, too, how each side wants its government to act morally on those issues most important to them.

The same party that wants a "kingdom economy," in which everyone has enough and all possessions are shared, a la Acts 2 and 4, is the same one that's taken the Ten Commandments out of courthouses and prayer from schools. To paraphrase Christians on this side of the aisle, "The government should set a Christlike economic agenda and let the church draw people to Christ."

The same party that fights abortion on demand and wants to make sure marriage remains...well...marriage is the same one that doesn't seem especially concerned with war, so long as we're winning, or with the fact that the gulf between haves and have nots is ever-widening. Paraphrasing Christians of this party, "The government should establish the moral tone of the nation and let the church minister to the poor."

All the while saying (or at least wondering) to brethren and sistren on the other side, "How can you be so gullible?"

C'mon, church. You can't have your Eucharist and eat it, too.

Save Your Breath

Most of us don't have to wait long to become skeptical of our elected officials' integrity. The hypocrisy begins at the victory party. Last night, I listened to Randy Neugebauer - a self-proclaimed follower of Christ who may well be perfectly pleasant outside the political arena - heap effusive encomia on Charles Stenholm, the very man he spent the last several months disemboweling in print and on air. Listening to that tripe, I nearly effused something else.

Neugebauer (pronounced neugebauer), in just his second year in elected office, has learned quickly. This is how the game is played. Tell voters what a bad guy you're opponent is during the campaign, then praise his patriotism after they've believed you and thrown him out on his ear.

I say either lay off the personal attacks during the campaign or get up on election night and say, "I've just received a call from my opponent congratulating me on winning the election. I'm surprised the idiot knew how to use a telephone! The people of this district/state/country can rest comfortably knowing that monster is out of office."

That would at least allow us to trust the winner for a couple of months before he goes to Washington and sells us down the Potomac.

Putting The W Back In Guam

Guam has spoken. In the U.S. territory west of the international dateline, where the first Tuesday in November has already come and gone, an overwhelming majority of the island's citizens have voted to re-elect George W. Bush. And you know the old saying, "As Guam goes, so goes the nation..." Of course, there's also, "If a Guam votes in the forest, does anyone hear it?" Regardless, his resounding victory in Guam gives the President a total of zero electoral votes, leaving him 270 shy of winning a second term. But thank you, Guam, for playing our game. We have some lovely parting gifts.

And besides that piece of Guam, here's something else to chew on as we await the results from today's election: can supporters of either candidate be genuinely proud of the way their guy ran his campaign? Did either man handle himself with dignity and respect for his opponent? Did either guy call off the PAC of attack dogs when things got nasty? Did either one call on his supporters to act with humility and treat those on the other side of the political fence with grace?

It didn't seem like either one did from where I sit. Maybe it was better in Guam.

Please Vote For Me Anyway

The only thing worse than having a celebrity endorse your opponent, in some cases, is having them endorse you. To wit:

Eminem has now weighed in for John Kerry, helping the Senator shore up the all-important sex-crazed misogynist vote. With an admonition sure to go down in American history alongside "Give me liberty or give me death," the controversial rapper reminded us that "every mother****in' vote counts." Patrick Henry couldn't have said it better.

Former Minnesota Governor and professional wrestler Jesse Ventura also announced his support for Kerry, cutting heavily into the write-in campaign by WWE fans for "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

Still, those two net losses for Kerry were offset by Pat Robertson, the televangelist and former Presidential candidate, who recounted to CNN's Paula Zahn a private conversation with President Bush in which the First W said there wouldn't be any casualties in Iraq. That was followed by a prediction of a Bush victory and Robertson telling Zahn he'd pray for her if she'd call The 700 Club and make a pledge.

The candidates are squirming in anticipation of tomorrow's endorsements from Joe Millionaire and Kato Kaelin.