A Berry Always Ripe For The Picking

Oh for the days when you didn't have to question whether politicians were corrupt. You knew they were before you ever sent them to office. The point is they were your crooks, and you appreciated how openly they usurped the system.

Here now the unintentional wit and accidental honesty of former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Berry. They're kind of like Lay's potato chips: you can't eat just one.

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

(In response to being busted with crack and a prostitute in a hotel room...)

"B**** set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis, no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself, are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

(Finally, in response to questions about an IRS investigation into his financial affairs...)

"What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude."

Starting Over

With the campaign behind us - not including the recount by Ohio election officials, who have now confirmed Herbert Hoover was indeed the leading vote-getter in 1928 - it's time for our elected officials to get back to the time-honored tradition of ignoring the concerns of their constituencies now that we're no longer paying attention.

I've redubbed this site "The Spin Cycle" to chronicle how regularly and instinctively politicians twist every event into buzz for their party and bile for the opposition.

Let's kick off the festivities with some Donkey bashing, specifically President Bush's appointment of Connnddooolleeeezzzaaa Rice. First of all, chill out with all the extra letters. If she ever decides to celebrate Kwwaaannnnzzzaaa, it could trigger World War 3.

Stop interrupting. The point is, regardless of what you think of this President, he has had without question the most ethnically and genderally (I'll wait while you look that one up and realize it's not really a word...) diverse Cabinet in the history of the United States. It's not even close.

Democrats could argue it doesn't matter if someone in a high position is a minority if he/she isn't qualified. They could argue that...if they suddenly stop espousing Affirmative Action. Oops...

So you can rip this President for a variety of shortcomings, and you'd be right on some of those. What you can't deny, though, is that minorities under his watch have found the Cabinet doors wide open.

Stay tuned. We'll start pulling the Elephants' trunks soon enough.

Did You Know The Word Gullible Is Not In The Dictionary?

"Now we have to deal with the horrifying realities of the Bush re-election."

Whose line is it anyway? Michael Moore's? Sean Penn's? Osama bin Laden's?

No, that quote - uttered after the decisive ballots had been counted Wednesday - came from the mouth of a red-stated, Bible-belting, churchgoing saint. One of the godliest people I've ever known, as a matter of fact. Of course, it was difficult to hear this plaintive declaration because it was drowned out by the bacchanalia of fellow followers of Christ, raucously reveling in a second dose of Bush.

If such deep disagreement exists within the body of Christ, is it any surprise that our nation is politically divided? Funny, too, how each side wants its government to act morally on those issues most important to them.

The same party that wants a "kingdom economy," in which everyone has enough and all possessions are shared, a la Acts 2 and 4, is the same one that's taken the Ten Commandments out of courthouses and prayer from schools. To paraphrase Christians on this side of the aisle, "The government should set a Christlike economic agenda and let the church draw people to Christ."

The same party that fights abortion on demand and wants to make sure marriage remains...well...marriage is the same one that doesn't seem especially concerned with war, so long as we're winning, or with the fact that the gulf between haves and have nots is ever-widening. Paraphrasing Christians of this party, "The government should establish the moral tone of the nation and let the church minister to the poor."

All the while saying (or at least wondering) to brethren and sistren on the other side, "How can you be so gullible?"

C'mon, church. You can't have your Eucharist and eat it, too.

Save Your Breath

Most of us don't have to wait long to become skeptical of our elected officials' integrity. The hypocrisy begins at the victory party. Last night, I listened to Randy Neugebauer - a self-proclaimed follower of Christ who may well be perfectly pleasant outside the political arena - heap effusive encomia on Charles Stenholm, the very man he spent the last several months disemboweling in print and on air. Listening to that tripe, I nearly effused something else.

Neugebauer (pronounced neugebauer), in just his second year in elected office, has learned quickly. This is how the game is played. Tell voters what a bad guy you're opponent is during the campaign, then praise his patriotism after they've believed you and thrown him out on his ear.

I say either lay off the personal attacks during the campaign or get up on election night and say, "I've just received a call from my opponent congratulating me on winning the election. I'm surprised the idiot knew how to use a telephone! The people of this district/state/country can rest comfortably knowing that monster is out of office."

That would at least allow us to trust the winner for a couple of months before he goes to Washington and sells us down the Potomac.

Putting The W Back In Guam

Guam has spoken. In the U.S. territory west of the international dateline, where the first Tuesday in November has already come and gone, an overwhelming majority of the island's citizens have voted to re-elect George W. Bush. And you know the old saying, "As Guam goes, so goes the nation..." Of course, there's also, "If a Guam votes in the forest, does anyone hear it?" Regardless, his resounding victory in Guam gives the President a total of zero electoral votes, leaving him 270 shy of winning a second term. But thank you, Guam, for playing our game. We have some lovely parting gifts.

And besides that piece of Guam, here's something else to chew on as we await the results from today's election: can supporters of either candidate be genuinely proud of the way their guy ran his campaign? Did either man handle himself with dignity and respect for his opponent? Did either guy call off the PAC of attack dogs when things got nasty? Did either one call on his supporters to act with humility and treat those on the other side of the political fence with grace?

It didn't seem like either one did from where I sit. Maybe it was better in Guam.

Please Vote For Me Anyway

The only thing worse than having a celebrity endorse your opponent, in some cases, is having them endorse you. To wit:

Eminem has now weighed in for John Kerry, helping the Senator shore up the all-important sex-crazed misogynist vote. With an admonition sure to go down in American history alongside "Give me liberty or give me death," the controversial rapper reminded us that "every mother****in' vote counts." Patrick Henry couldn't have said it better.

Former Minnesota Governor and professional wrestler Jesse Ventura also announced his support for Kerry, cutting heavily into the write-in campaign by WWE fans for "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

Still, those two net losses for Kerry were offset by Pat Robertson, the televangelist and former Presidential candidate, who recounted to CNN's Paula Zahn a private conversation with President Bush in which the First W said there wouldn't be any casualties in Iraq. That was followed by a prediction of a Bush victory and Robertson telling Zahn he'd pray for her if she'd call The 700 Club and make a pledge.

The candidates are squirming in anticipation of tomorrow's endorsements from Joe Millionaire and Kato Kaelin.

Flip-Flop: The Home Game

I used to think there was nothing wrong with flip-flopping, but I'm now convinced you have to be a complete idiot to change your mind.

Still, when used properly, flip-flopping can be an effective divining rod for political spin. Here's what I mean. Take the issue du jour and reverse positions. If you can honestly imagine the candidates, parties, supporters, et al coming down on said issue in the exact same spot, then you can assume the individual is being true to his/her feelings. If not, you'll likely catch a whiff of some "Gross Domestic Product" (see previous post).

Hands on buzzers. Let's Flop!

Issue #1: Kerry referencing Mary Cheney in the third debate

Republican reaction: a cheap shot to remind undecideds that some GOP are GAY
Democrat reaction: everyone already knew there was something about Mary

FLIP-FLOP! Edwards had a homosexual child whose name Bush invoked in front of 60 million people

RR: he meant gay like "happy"
DR: the homophobe is showing his true color, and it's not pink

Issue #2: Bush's National Guard service

Republican reaction: the President served honorably
Democrat reaction: Bush fled Alabam' while our man was in 'Nam OR forget about Kinko's, our guy fought the pinkos

FLIP-FLOP! Bush went to war while Kerry stayed home

RR: another wimpy liberal
DR: not a single Viet Cong crossed the Alabama border

Issue #3: "I actually voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it" - Kerry

Republican reaction: Kerry achieves flip-flop nirvana
Democrat reaction: Kerry misspoke, Bush misled - which is worse?

FLIP-FLOP! Kerry voted against the war AND the $87 billion

RR: he made two bad decisions
DR: like we said, "wrong war, wrong place, wrong time"

Issue #4: We found Saddam but not his weapons

Republican reaction: the world is safer
Democrat reaction: a Walter Matthau look-alike in a spider hole was hardly a threat

FLIP-FLOP! We found WMDs but not Saddam

RR: who cares about that loser, we've got the goods
DR: who cares about the weapons, we need the guy

You can play this game with any issue, and that's exactly what the candidates and their operatives do. The winner gets what's behind door number 1600 on Pennsylvania Avenue. Loser gets a year supply of Turtle Wax. Which prize is better? Depends on whom you ask.

A Brief Recap

Never one to sit still - unless there's something compelling on television, such as "Barnaby Jones" reruns or the infomercial with that bearded psycho selling laundry detergent - I wanted a fresh perspective on the Presidential campaign, so I took in the third debate Wednesday night from a different time zone, specifically the Pacific and even more specifically the 7th floor of my Beverly Hills hotel room and even more specifically than that in a brand new pair of boxer briefs.

I hope that purchase was counted in the latest Gross Domestic Product numbers. Because I think we've all, at some point, produced something in our underwear that was both gross and domestic. Not coincidentally, both Kerry and Bush were trying not to crap themselves Wednesday night in the final face-to-face meeting before the November 2 election. (I thought this new blog was supposed to be a poop-free zone. I don't even know me anymore.)

Nonetheless, both candidates came to play on this night, unveiling groundbreaking initiatives to defeat terrorism, balance the budget, educate our children, house the homeless, feed the hungry, protect the environment, and put Social Security safely in the lockbox Al Gore doesn't need anymore. Best of all, they presented these plans with easy-to-understand directions on how to achieve and pay for everything, all while laying out respectfully and sincerely a fresh vision of what each hopes America can become over the next four years...

And if you don't think that's one steaming pile of gross domestic product, you might want to check your drawers. Different time zone, same ol' you-know-what:

Bush is a buffoon, who wakes up each morning determined to find new ways to help the rich get richer.

Kerry's hiding a fiendish plot to turn complete control of the country, including Oscar nominations and NFL instant replay, over to a clandestine, international governing body that grew out of the Little Rascals' He-Man Woman Haters Club.

The only difference Wednesday night was the moderator, Bob Schieffer of CBS, who showed clear bias toward the President. Schieffer - whose brother Tom was president of the Texas Rangers when Bush owned the team - refused to challenge the President on why he authorized trading Sammy Sosa to Chicago for a washed-up Harold Baines. The damaging effect that trade had on the Rangers has been well-documented, unlike the fax sent from the Abilene Kinko's to Bob Schieffer's CBS colleague Dan Rather.

With nothing settled from these three debates other than the fact that Kerry still looks like Fred Gwynne from "The Munsters" and Bush still can't complete a sentence, both sides will repair to the campaign trail where they'll say the exact same things for the next 19 days without those pesky 90-second rebuttals. Actually, the next rebuttal belongs to us on November 2.

Debate And Switch

America waits with de-bated breath for the third and final presidential smackdown next Wednesday in Tempe, Arizona. Forecasters expect the atmosphere to be heated, but considering the candidates involved and the desert environment, it should be a dry heat.

A quick recap of the first two debates:

In Miami, Florida, Governor Jeb Bush, who hadn't recused himself from anything since the election debacle four years ago, did so as big brother Dubya duked it out with Sen. John Kerry. The court of public opinion, which usually sits adjourned when it comes to meaningful political analysis, overwhelmingly named Kerry the winner. George W. Bush, meanwhile, came in third behind Kerry and one of the lecterns, confiding in his team later that he was thrown off by how often "stuff about Iraq" kept coming up and by Kerry's pronunciation of the word "nuclear."

The President, however, rebounded last Friday night in St. Louis where he made a concerted effort to WOO the tough-to-impress WWE crowd by throwing moderator Charlie Gibson into the turnbuckle and piledriving him, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka-style when Gibson tried to rephrase a question. Borrowing from Bush 1's infamous "Read My Lips" pledge from 1988, Sen. Kerry looked directly into the camera and said he wouldn't raise taxes on anyone who makes more than his wife's per diem. ABC News, the pool producer of the debate, apologized afterward when executives realized the closed captioning of Kerry's impassioned promise read: "At this point, I'm willing to look into the camera and promise each of you a French poodle if it will get me elected."

The fun continues in suburban Phoenix Wednesday with the final episode in this trilogy. While both sides are publicly expressing confidence, officials with the Commission on Presidential Debates (or CPD as its known by debate-niks) have confirmed that the Bush team, invoking the President's former ownership of an American League baseball team, asked if he could use "the guy who won all that money on Jeopardy!" as a designated hitter for the final debate. The 11th hour appeal was denied because the Diamondbacks play in the National League, but as a concession, Bush will be allowed to hold Alex Trebek's shaved moustache as a lucky charm.

Check back Thursday for a full review of the debate from Poll Position. And remember, we're always interested in your-analysis.

War Games

It should come as no shock that such a sedentary society should be fascinated by televised poker. Most of the contestants, in desperate need of a shower and stomach staple, usually make us feel better about ourselves. The only lower form of entertainment would be watching people watch people playing poker.

Coincidentally, this presidential campaign has devolved into a game of Texas Hold ‘Em with world supremacy at stake. The contestants are Bush, Kerry, and Terrorism. (The French and Germans predictably folded.)

After 9/11, Bush is dealt pocket aces and Kerry two deuces while Terrorism’s hole cards are unknown.

By going to war, Bush with the strongest hand goes "all in" earlier than he needs to. The Flop - when the dealer turns over three cards which the players can combine with their own to make the best hand - is the war in Iraq, which started off well but is now highly volatile. Neither Bush nor Kerry improved his position.

Then comes the Turn card this week - another 2 - the revelation that we were way off in thinking Saddam had WMDs ready to use against us or sell to someone who would. It's a crushing blow to the Bush campaign. If Saddam wasn't armed with WMDs, if he was merely a bad guy who hates the U.S. and tortured his own people, then the cost of this war wasn't worth it. Bush's "the-world-is-safer-without-Saddam" argument only worked when we thought he had the capacity to strike. The desire to strike didn't merit going into Iraq. So after the Turn, Bush is left to say, “But look at the cards we have in our hands! I have two aces, and he only has two 2s! He’s only benefiting from the last card that turned up!” It’s true. Kerry isn’t holding superior cards. He doesn’t have a better strategy for the war on terror or even a proven track record to suggest he’d make good decisions. But this Turn of events, this latest development, will put Kerry in front with the American people, rendering Bush’s once mighty aces momentarily helpless. Suddenly, Kerry has three 2s compared to Bush's two aces. Kerry's in the lead.

The irony is that Bush’s hand may still be better than Terrorism's, at least for the time being. There’s no evidence that attacking Iraq – even if done spuriously – has given Bin Laden, et al-Qaida the upper hand in this fight. In fact, Terrorism may well be losing, as evidenced by Libya coming clean and a general sense that Bush is just crazy enough to go postal on any nation that lets Osama so much as shack up for the night. Keep in mind, they’ve been looking at those weird facial expressions and body language longer than Kerry.

So now the world waits on the River, the final card to be revealed by the dealer. Bush needs an ace - either direct evidence Saddam was planning to do us harm or, of course, the mother lode, capturing Bin Laden - to win another four years. Anything less will force him to bluff the American people into believing he still has what it takes to win. Meanwhile, the sweat from the Democratic Convention has returned to Kerry’s brow in spades as he prays against an ace or any card that would help Terrorism. Because, as he told us at the Democratic Convention, he doesn’t wear his faith on his sleeve, Kerry is free to use that sleeve to dab the beads of perspiration. A measly pair of deuces has become the best hand because of the extra 2 on the Turn. Confident in his newfound trio of 2s, Kerry - as Bush did earlier - pushes all of his chips to the middle, as well.

And while each party points its best poker face toward the other, both can see out of the corners of their eyes that Terrorism is refusing to go Allah in, instead holding onto a handful of chips so it can fight another day. Bush, Kerry, and all of us watching force ourselves to believe Terrorism has the weakest hand, and the game continues under that assumption. An ace or the bluff of the century keeps Bush in office and could keep Terrorism for the time being off balance and on defense. Anything but an ace puts Kerry in, which could either help reunite the world against this common enemy or prompt Terrorism to use some of its remaining chips to test the new administration’s resolve with a strike late in 2005 – just as they’ve done during the first year in office of the past two Presidents (Clinton had the WTC bombing in 1993; Bush had 9/11 in 2001).

Inherent in gambling, of course, is that our assumptions are often wrong. (There’s a reason why casinos, not gamblers, keep building bigger barns.) If Terrorism isn’t holding the weakest hand but instead foists upon the table a trump card in the form of another attack on U.S. soil, it won’t matter who winds up in the White House. Everyone will know who really holds the cards.

Maybe both sides should start asking the Dealer to have mercy.